The Diva and I

I am not where I want to be. That's an unfortunate statement to have to start a post with, but I think its important for me to cover before I can get where I want to be. I mean that in a number of ways, but all having to do with my health ultimately: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I have a lot of work to do that I have put off for too long. 

I haven't been tracking my food. And I have gained weight. Which isn't a huge deal in the big scheme of things because weight loss and exercise aren't about a number, they are about your body, how it feels and works and how you feel in it. What is a big deal is that I made a commitment to myself to make me and my body a priority and I have been letting myself down on that. Originally, my goals were competing with school, my advisor's goals for me, and busyness in general; now they're competing with a worse front- my alter ego or "The Diva", as I like to call her. The Diva has quite different priorities than me, she likes to dress up, drink a lot, dance more, and be the best at everything...or at least seem that way. She does not enjoy running (although she does it to brag about it), she does not enjoy writing my thesis, and she does love her some wine. Most of the time, we get along fairly well. I own the day, and The Diva owns the night. I'm not going to lie, she's pretty awesome sometimes. However, she's been a brat lately and is taking over some of my day time...or maybe I'm noticing it more because the sun sets earlier and she sees that as her cue to fly her freak flag. Either way, I'm putting my foot down to her because I love my daytime goals as much as The Diva loves her wine and I need balance (The Diva is not a very balanced person). So I am trying to re-stake-out my territory and set some clear goals for myself which will be The Diva's new boundaries-- if I am working productively on my goals- Diva, you get to celebrate and dance your little bootay off (literally, please, that thing is fucking huge); if not, well, I will smother you beneath piles of work until I kill you or we accomplish something together. Agreed? I don't really care.

Although the weight gain isn't a huge deal, the fact that I haven't tracked food in idk how long, is. I haven't been working on what I set out to do, and its taking a tole on my pride. After losing over 30lbs, I felt like the shit, I want that back. I feel like a baller when I run 5 miles. 5 miles! I couldn't do 1/3 of that in Jan. I know I can work and go 10 if I practice, but I have been slacking. I want those feelings again. Another thing that is unfortunate is that while you lose weight, you're losing fat along with a little muscle too. You can do a lot to change the ratio, but you'll probably lose some muscle weight in the process. Since I've gained some back- I think its all come as fat. That makes sense since I haven't been working out or lifting, but it also means I looked better at 170 than I do now, although I don't weigh that much. That blows. 

So I talked to Allee, my encourager extraordinaire today (maybe I can get her to do a guest post soon? cough cough) about setting new goals. It isn't looking like I'll hit the 50lb mark by Dec. which was my new year's resolution, but I have set another goal by Christmas, and I'm hoping to make the 50 lb mark by Jan 11th which will be the anniversary of my time on WW. I'm going to use tracking my food and working out as my tools along with my LBD challenge goal as motivation.

As far as other goals that require focus right now- Matt and I are working on finding a church that fits our needs. (He's Catholic I'm.... Christian... Protestant... Presbyterian/Evangelical... something). We are finally trying new places, but it needs to be more of a priority for me personally. Personally, my spiritual life plays a big part (if not the biggest) in my journey so I do need to acknowledge the importance of its health too.

And last but not least, my thesis. AKA the bane of The Diva's existence. I think parts of her soul die when I spend a long time on it. I don't like it either, but it's gotta get done and it isn't writing itself- trust me, I waited on that to happen and I just don't think its going to. I've made more progress than usual lately, and there's starting to be a light at the end of the tunnel, but I know I could finish it soon if I worked hard- and that's what I need to do.

So with that, I'm going to leave you with a quote by old T.J. "I find the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." Here's to hard work!

Hope to see less of each other next time!

Casey